Substitutions
by Zaskaea
Summary: A general dictionary filled with the likes of 'Sh*tsh*tsh*t' and 'WTF' crashed unceremoniously into Tsuna's reeling mental world like a truck-sized boulder. "Could you please explain to me exactly who you are and why you're in my room?"


For some reason, I wrote this to let off steam; writing is so emancipating at times! ^^ The 'woman' in this story… mentally scarred me. Yeah, so. This is practically just crack; I'm _so _sorry, Giotto-sama *and to those who can't make any sense of this*. **Don't own, AU.**

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><p>Shaking off the pleasant haze caused by a familiar type of explicit bliss, Tsuna freed himself from whatever darkness his mind had been wandering in and cracked open his burning eyes.<p>

… It was the same room he'd seen just moments ago, although something was different.

Quickly coming to notice just how very hot he felt and just how very _naked _he was, Tsuna's hands scrabbled desperately for any form of cover as he heard footsteps approaching. However, then he stopped; considering who it was that would be walking through that door in the next seconds, covers were the last thing he needed. He was already half-hard and driven part-way to a peak he was slowly losing sight of. Unfortunately, his lack of discretion turned out to be a bad choice. Tsuna stared in horror at the person who decided to walk in in the space of his love.

_WHAT._

What one might call a bodily Aphrodite came gliding into Tsuna's bedroom with all the grace one can muster when balancing dangerously in almost 8-inch Prada heels.

The woman was… she was incredible to say the least, but still not at all welcome to the flustered brunette on the bed, who was wondering who on Earth was to blame for this, even if it was outrageously hot.

Point one; the pretty female was blonde, so very beautifully blonde, and her slightly unkempt mane flowed down her back in gentle, glossy waves. Her lashes were thick and made even longer with black mascara, half-covering an incredible set of sky blue eyes that observed Tsuna with seductive expectation. You couldn't miss her body, either; hell, she had perfect curves in all the right places. Wide hips that made a fine hourglass figure and a quite promising set of breasts that weren't breaching onto any of the 'too large' or 'too small' extremes. On the other hand, her limbs were not at all flimsy, instead gently defined with muscles of which strength she had yet to prove.

How did Tsuna know all this? The lovely lady was wearing nothing but a terribly revealing white lingerie set. As well as that, Tsuna could not at all place his finger on who exactly she reminded him of. However, first things first; she should be quickly ushered back outside where she would hopefully not cause Tsuna to be beaten to a pulp for having seen her in such a condition should her possible boyfriend(s) find out.

"Who are you?" he managed, snatching up a blanket and whipping it around his shoulders. "H-how the hell did you g-get in?"

The woman blinked owlishly before sending the confused brunet a completely disarming smile and placing one hand behind her long neck. "Oh…" she began in a silky tone, batting her eyelids as she looked awkwardly down at the floor. "I see we have a case of short-term memory loss, hm, Tsunayoshi?"

"…" Tsuna, by now totally stunned, was trying to figure out an escape route. She knew his name! Maybe Giotto was pulling his leg. Yeah, that would be it. He'd called over a prostitute just to embarrass Tsuna because he thought it would be funny.

Or maybe it was a test of loyalty. Gah! Tsuna fisted his hands in his hair, shooting hasty looks at the now confused blonde. Her beautiful features were pulled into a small frown, although for some reason it made her look enchantingly cute. _Wait, don't think that!_

"Where's Giotto?" he asked suddenly, trying his best to sound confident, although this random woman was seriously beginning to freak him out. "Where did he go?"

Now the suspicious blonde looked beyond baffled. "Ah, no words will solve this…" she said finally, approaching Tsuna full-on and at the same time - oh horrors! – making to undo her bra.

A general dictionary filled with the likes of 'Shitshitshit' and 'WTF' crashed unceremoniously into Tsuna's reeling mental world like a truck-sized boulder. He was going to get raped. Wait, no, what? He was a man! He could take this situation like a… yeah. Like a man!

… Whatever that meant.

In one frantic move, Tsuna scrambled backwards with a sharp cry of "Stop!", flailing his arms as he stumbled off the bed and towards the other side of the room.

Unfortunately, the lovely lady was resolute in her apparent desire to go down on Tsuna before he ran off. Tsuna decided to be a bit harsher. "Excuse me." He said in a flat tone, wrapping his sheet around his waist with a knot. "But could you explain to me exactly who you are and what on Earth you are doing in my room?"

Again, that confused blink. Then the woman let out an amused chuckle, something that sent familiar shivers down Tsuna's spine. "Ah! You want to role-play! I thought you'd never ask." Tsuna's mouth dropped open in horror. What. The. Hell. "Well then… if you choose to be reluctant, I will have to _tame_ you."

Tsuna mentally visualised the blonde holding a pair of handcuffs and felt the overwhelming urge to bolt. "H-hey, hey, hey! Hold on! Hear me out, I want to k-"

Ugh, and gone was the short-term sternness. Oh my God, Tsuna thought, having been left completely speechless by the sight of the woman beginning to crawl onto his bed like a huge, sexy cat, licking her lips ever-so-sweetly. The sound of her heels falling off and hitting the floor alerted Tsuna of the fact that he could potentially snatch them up to use as projectile weapons, but…

Ohhh Lord. Now the freaky lady was _purring._

The brunet wasn't all too bothered by the whole massive innuendo it made; he was wondering what the hell would happen to him or this stranger should a certain Italian decide to drop back in. However, suddenly he was on the floor, with an impressive set of breasts squashed dangerously close to his face. Tsuna went red enough to rival the crimson carpet he was spread out on. "Tsuna…" the woman cooed, stroking along said boy's cheek with an extended finger, her orange nail varnish (wait, orange-?) almost glowing in the dim light of the table lamp. Tsuna gulped, too stunned to move at all, not even able to defend himself against the mesmerising gaze of-

The brunet froze, a sudden realisation hitting him like a smack in the face. Those _eyes. _How had he not noticed? They were… they were… "G-Giotto…?" Tsuna tried hesitantly, dreading what the answer might be.

He was almost relieved when the woman stalled, raising her eyebrows suspiciously. Unfortunately, Tsuna's hopes were smashed to pieces as soon as she began to joyfully laugh. "Oh, you want to _stop_ role-playing? I thought you'd never stop yelling about where I'd gone… I'm right here, Tsunayoshi."

Tsuna could have fainted. This was a nightmare. Surely this was just an evil, twisted nightmare where-

The woman who had stolen his lover's name shifted forwards, silencing anything Tsuna could have said by handing him a face full of lady-chest. She giggled, apparently enjoying his flabbergasted expression. "It's nice to see that you're playful today, Tsuna…" she whispered softly, leaning her head in for… for… OH GOD NO-

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><p>"IAH!"<p>

Tsuna bolted upright, clutching his head while his body shook in terror. He snapped his eyes open, trying to control his rapid breathing as his wide brown eyes flashed around the room at a frightening pace, desperately trying to confirm the absence of any promiscuous females who had come to defile him with their boobs.

There were none.

Tsuna collapsed back down onto his mattress, assessing his situation. He vaguely noticed the many half-eaten packets of various nibbles scattered over his bed, and the numerous different papers littering his floor from after long time of Friday night studying.

A long night of studying…

Oh, thank everything that was holy and good and wasn't blonde with female parts.

It had been a dream. Tsuna sighed loudly, running his hands slowly down his heated face. He'd had a dream that begun very pleasantly with Giotto, but that had ended in a most horrifying manner that he'd rather forget about. Tsuna pondered in silence. Was this a result of having discovered someone's secret porn stash yesterday evening (he still didn't know who's they were… G's, maybe?) or perhaps because Giotto had been away for two weeks only to return three days ago, in which time he and Tsuna had not yet slept with each other again?

The little brunet figured that his brain was just fucking with him, and that he seriously had to get laid and remind himself of his true sexuality.

… Duh.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait-

Tsuna scrambled out of his bed, dismissing the fact that he wore nothing but a certain someone's too-large shirt and boxers before racing down the stairs to the kitchen. _Seeing is believing_, he reminded himself, running into the room ahead of him. Of _course_ his housemates were already awake. G was stood at the stove lazily frying some eggs while Giotto was somehow managing to eat his toast while not getting even a single crumb on his face _without looking_; his gaze was focused solely at the morning newspaper he held up in front of him. Gokudera was probably still out, but that wasn't the main point. Tsuna was in no situation to be analysing his surroundings. He had to make sure that reality was… reality, because nobody really knows just how messed up a fantasy can be. So, just as Giotto raised his head to smile and say good morning to the bundle of adorability in front of him, Tsuna leapt forwards, violently grabbing onto the sacred place between his oblivious boyfriend's legs.

Screw adorable. This was perilous.

Giotto immediately dropped both toast and newspaper, freezing up completely as his face turned a colour akin to bleach white. G turned around at the funny sounds made, observing the scene with exaggeratedly wide eyes. It was suddenly very hard to decide between helping his suffering best friend and laughing his ass off.

Tsuna, however, wasn't aware. Instead, he curled his fingers roughly in concentration, not hearing the half pained, half pleasured sound Giotto made as he slammed his head onto the table out of shock, just missing his plate and the possibility of jam all over his forehead.

"It's still there, thank goodness…" Tsuna said finally, standing up and sending Giotto an obviously relieved grin. However, once he had seen the blond's abysmal state, Tsuna gasped and let out his typical, high pitched cry. "Hiii! Giotto! Giotto! Can you speak, Giotto?"

If it hadn't been Tsuna who was saying that, Giotto would have been strongly tempted to bite back with something like "No shit!"

Now G couldn't help himself; staggering out of the room, he finally let out his laughter. He wasn't usually such a person, but… this was priceless. Tsuna, a spontaneous cock-grabber? Wonderful.

In the kitchen, Giotto lifted his head slowly, groaning but still managing to smile weakly at the now panicking Tsuna. "Ah… w-what was that for?" he asked with a quiet chuckle, cracking open his slightly teary eyes. "Should I be worried?"

"No." Tsuna breathed out before launching himself into Giotto's arms with an apologetic look. "No, I shouldn't be."

"I…?" Giotto questioned, but gave up when he felt Tsuna's needy arms grip him yet tighter. "My, my, Tsuna… did something happen? What's wrong?"

Giotto's soothing tone almost made Tsuna spill the whole story. _Almost._

"N-never mind." The brunet replied, nuzzling his face into Giotto's chest and shifting in his lap. "It's nothing." To his surprise, Giotto let out a sharp moan just after he moved.

"Tsuna… yoshi…"

Said boy froze, becoming painfully aware of something… quite solid poking against his thigh. "G-Gio…?" he enquired, slowly coming to look at the other's blushing face. _S-seriously…?_

"I must be a masochist," The blond exclaimed with an expression of faux horror. "Because that was probably that most brutal hand-job I've ever experienced, Tsuna."

Since there was no wall for him to hit his head against, Tsuna instead opted for his boyfriend's chest.

Giotto's somewhat puzzled but hearty laugh proved to be infectious, and so Tsuna joined him as he was lifted up gently and carried upstairs. Even as the bedroom door closed behind them, a melodious jumble of giggles and deeper laughs were to be heard all the way downstairs.

A chagrined G watched from below the stairwell with tired eyes, shaking his head slowly. In any case, he should probably leave before the real noise began.

Giotto wasn't _always_ known for his tenderness.

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><p>I think I've officially mastered stage one of a Poison Cooking type that screws with your dreams, something that birthed the bunnies for this. After having to make food for myself two days ago, I had a dream about Twilight, mutant zombie babies that got hormonal when you stuck metal poles through their heads and tacky love hotels run by old women with bleach blonde hair and lime green aprons. Yesterday, I <em>helped<em> to cook and had a dream about some kind of weird 'Gokudera cosplay day' in my school while a freaky circus that role-played Italian restaurants (WTF) was going on in the gym. Because my hair was already greyish (for some odd reason) and I was in a SKIRT, the others just called me Fem!Gokudera *which was beyond awkward*.

My friends tell me about their romantic fangirl dreams with their favourite characters.  
>I am either shot, mindfucked or running away from them.<br>Who the hell do I need to pray to before sleeping, because whatever I'm doing now obviously isn't working! D:

*Shuts up at long last*

~Zaskaea

The usual: Reviews are up to you, but they're still cool. :)


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